Recently my friend Jess, over at Sneakers & Stethescopes, wrote a post about those times when God says “no.” It’s great and I think you should go read it. I was reminded of some beautiful portions of scripture and it made me want to share what I have been going through and how God is getting me through it.
Over the last almost two years my husband and I have been trying to have a baby. I’m not convinced that God’s answer has been “no.” In fact, I think His answer is more of a “not yet” but I really can’t be sure. Those two are hard to tell the difference between in the midst of the pain and the waiting and they often feel like the same thing.
God has been using my strong desire for children as an opportunity to stimulate my sanctification. The valleys have been deep and wide. In the beginning I was confused, angry, and upset. Like all the time. But God has been humbling me and transforming me more and more into His image.
God has used many people to come along side me in the last couple of years. Whether it has been through prayer, encouragement, or friendship I have not felt alone. God has even used those who are not close to me to help me in this season. One person is Pastor Timothy Keller. He has a specific quote that I have dwelt upon time and time again.
“God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows” -Tim Keller
Wow! God will grant the desires we would have if we knew everything He knew… If we knew everything (like God does) we would choose exactly what He has planned for us! When I first heard that quote it didn’t really hit me. It stuck with me but I didn’t fully understand what that meant. I do now. And I pray that God reveals the fullness of what that means to you as well because it holds such sweet comfort.
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This is a popular verse to rattle off when someone wants something that is good and they aren’t getting it. Don’t get me wrong, this is an amazing and beautiful verse. But we often use it in the wrong way.
God is not a genie. You do not get 3 wishes. You do not get any wishes.
This verse is not saying that if we find happiness in God that we will get whatever we want. This Psalm is telling us that if we find our joy, hope, and pleasure in God that He will give us what our hearts long for. The difference is that because we find joy, hope and pleasure in Him our hearts will long for His will.
If I delight myself in the Lord he WILL give me the desires of my heart. That’s a promise. But that desire may not turn out to be what I think it means right now. That desire may be something else entirely, if that’s God’s will. But we will begin to want what God wants (1 John 5:14)
The last thing that has been so greatly helpful on this journey has been my mother-in-law (yes, my in laws are the best). She is just a beacon of wisdom and love. A few months ago she went with me to an appointment where I found out some very upsetting news and I was on the verge of crying when we left the doctor’s office. She said something very eloquently that I will continue to quote until the day I go to be with the Lord.
If you didn’t believe in the sovereignty of God you’d want to bang your head against the wall. -Gail Howitt
YES, YES, YES!
A million times yes to the bashing my head against the wall!
But a million plus one times yes to the sovereignty of God part.
This goes back to what Tim Keller said that I quoted at the beginning. God is sovereign. He is more than in control. I was designed by Him. My infertility was designed by Him. The bad news I got that day at the doctor’s office was designed by Him. And there is such beauty in the fact that He is our sovereign God and everything is in accordance to His will. His sovereignty would be overwhelming and scary if it wasn’t that He was a good God (Psalm 145:9) who was gracious and merciful (Psalm 148:8) and who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3).
I could continue to go on and on about what I’ve learned about all the barren women in the Bible, about the promises of God, and about how much more lovely our inheritance in Christ than what we could ever be blessed with on this earth. But that is all for another post.
If you are hearing God say no to you in this season of your life I encourage you to spend a good amount of time in the Psalms. Read the Psalms over and over and be on the look out for every time the psalmist cries out to God and He answers his cries. It’s powerful and intimately comforting.
What has God used to comfort you after telling you “no”?
Kortnee Howitt 
Such beautiful thoughts Kortnee. God is indeed sanctifying you. You are growing more beautiful each day. I love you!
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Thank you! Praise God! 🙂 I love you!
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Love this Kortnee….very well said. My favorite quote was Gail’s! I love that!
God’s answers, when not what we think, or expect, truly do sanctify us. You are being used by God in amazing ways …love you friend! Praise God for your faithfulness
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Thank you! You, my friend, have also been instrumental in this journey. So THANK YOU ❤
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Kort, I loved your post. Im sorry that you are still going through this season of waiting and wondering what the Lord is doing. I love Gail’s response also…I completely agree with that. Except I still want to bang my head against the wall sometimes even with believing He is sovereign lol It’s clear that God is really teaching you a lot during this time. I pray He gives you peace and I hope you continue to be encouraged ❤ Love you, friend!
Jessie
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Jessie, thank you so much for that encouragement! And thank you for writing your post that inspired me to reflect on what God has done in my life 🙂
Love you, girl! 🙂
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I love you!! I love this post!! Your faith and wisdom are so beautiful! I’m adding you to my prayers
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Oh, thank you SO much, Raechel!! ❤
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Kortnee, I found you just today via instagram and now feel like we could be best friends. Your photo inspired me first, and now this post fills me with faith & peace. My husband & have have been trying for a baby for nearly three years and have faced two losses together. So many times, I have wondered why we have not been blessed with a child when we would be such good parents! We would teach our child right from wrong, raise them up in the Lord, love them more than our own lives…. In the past few weeks I have come to find more answers to my questions. I know that my desires will be granted too one day, but now is not the time. I am realizing that, just maybe, God needs my husband & I to be voices for these voiceless souls who lose their chance at life at the hands of wicked men & women. Maybe we’re needed to be support to those who have also lost children through no faults of their own. As I saw your photo and read this post, I feel that your calling is similar. Of course I can’t tell you what God plans for you, but I do see how He is using you for His purposes right now, before you become a mother to your own child. Keep doing great things, Kortnee. Keep fighting for what you believe & speaking out against those things that are not of God. I believe that He is truly pleased with you & your husband. God bless you both.
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Thank you for all of that! That was very encouraging! ❤ I don’t know God’s plans either but as I sit back and let go of the reigns, I can really see God taking over and leading me where on supposed to go. Instead of fighting it and and trying to take over my life, haha.
Anyways, thank you again for your kind words ❤
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Hi Kortnee, I love the spelling of your name. It is very pretty. I don’t know your story or what’s happening in your body, but I hear your beautiful heart’s cry. The information I would like to share with you may not be applicable to you, or you may already know about it. I hope you don’t mind me sharing a little of my story . . . I am an older mum (nearly grandmum) and way back when I was trying to get pregnant, I came across a book that helped me to understand the signs of my fertile and infertile cycles. It was all about recognising the different types of cervical mucous. GIRL TALK HERE lol. This is something that is never explained or talked about, and rarely passed on by other women (maybe because of the nature of the topic). I hope you don’t mind 🙂 YaHoVaH God gave us signs to follow to understand our cycles. It’s a very simple and basic thing. Some women only have fertile mucous for half an hour each cycle, so you can understand why it can be difficult for them to conceive – a quick phone call to their husband with an urgent plea “come home NOW!” Rather than go into the nitty gritty of recognising the different types of mucous, I’ve attached a link to the site for the book that can be downloaded for free. I see by the previous comments that your post was at least 6 months ago, so maybe by now things might be different. In reading some of your story, I am encouraged by your spiritual strength. You are an amazing woman of God, and I pray He blesses you abundantly in all areas of your life. I will continue to pray for you. Shalom in Yahshua’s name ❤
http://www.billings-ovulation-method.org.au/
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